|Republicans versus Democrats on the Monica Lewinsky affaire 1999
"One for the Record"
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had
an affair with a former worshiper.
The scandal began when a 21-year-old woman, known only as Mary, claimed
that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the
hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God
for a long time," and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying
that "No sexual relationship existed", and that the "facts of this story
will come out in time, verily."
Independent counsel Kenneth Beezlebub immediately filed a brief with
the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of
whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally
funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign
operatives known only as the "Wise men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas
to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with
the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate: that
God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a
failed land deal.
In recent months, Beezlebub's investigation has already been expanded
to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
God's political opponents in the last elections, as well as to claims that
the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention
away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public
land in Promised Country to a Jewish special interest group was a quid
pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow
to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently
outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments",
which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses (R).
Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for
the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning
to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction
on free speech.