Various Thoughts at Different Times

winter so cold *

nature so bold

i'm feeling so old *

and drowning in sorrow

that my life has to end *

don't know where to go

my confusion is endless *

and i feel so defendless

so vulnerable *

and in despair

have not explored all that i wanted *

am not ready to sink into non-existence

into this never never ever *

have no more resistance

youth is gone *

innocence being killed

maturity set in *

just to begin

anew *

approaching the golden years

and there are only fears *

consuming my every being

not seeing *

any future ahead

so i've made my bed *

as they said ...

summer outside *

embracing everything around

except me *

i am an outsider

looking in *

inventing a second existence

a world of what could have been *

and is no more.

fantasies are playing wild *

in my heart, in my mind

their outcome not always kind *

pity on me

but why should this be? *

my inside is hot *

i'm in rage a lot

can't deal with it *

am restless

feel reckless *

want to run my fist through the window

hurting myself *

while tears are falling

down my face *

need drugs to dull the pain

of being mortal *

and what's to face

torture so overwhelming *

my soul is in pain

why why why *

is this happening to me ...

my time has run out*

nothing to talk about

endless silence*

surrounding my heart

and make me part*

of NOTHING ...

a blind man who can see*

his priorities re-arranged

his senses heightened*

his feelings stronger then ever

who else can he now be*

to me

the same - I didn't change*

I accepted this reality

and so did he*

with grace and sensitivity

it makes no difference to me*

never ever

although his heart is broken*

his mind is strong

remaining is hope*

he wants to belong

to the one he loves*

who cannot give

what he desires*

too late, too soon?

standing yet on another crossroad again*

life repeating itself

over and over again*

it will never end

it just will never end ...*

oh my dear god*

I am falling apart

of what I have learned*

and no wisdom gained

for what I have yearned*

definitely not for the faint ...

I FEEL LIKE A WRITER, A HUNTER, A POET, A PAINTER, A MUSICIAN *

NOT BEING IN THE POSITION

OF BEING EITHER ONE *

TO TURN MY SOUL LOOSE IN ALL THIS MADNESS AROUND ME

TO BE OR NOT TO BE *

LIKE SHAKESPEARE CITATES

TO BE ONLY ME *

IS THAT ENOUGH TO BE FREE

OF MYSELF?*

feeling you is feeling me*

tasting you is tasting me

all of you is all of me*

will we drown

or will we breathe*

will we frown

or be at ease*

stronger then a hurricane

will it ever be the same*

will it last until we die

or will we fry*

in our passion for each other

no matter the reality*

it is going to be

it is going to be*

I am your dream lost at sea

do come and rescue me*

YOU ARE MY PAGANINI *

I AM YOUR SYMPHONY

YOU ARE MY VIOLIN *

I AM YOUR BLUES

TOGETHER WE WILL WRITE HISTORY *

AND ALL THE WORLD NEWS

WE ARE DREAMING TOGETHER *

NEVER MIND THE WEATHER

OUR SONG WILL SOAR *

FOR EVERYONE TO HEAR

BECAUSE YOU ARE SO NEAR *

TO ME

his eyes are dead *

the life he led

the price he paid *

is living life by the drop

and nothing will make him ever stop *

NOTHING ...

I am what I am *

I am what I am not

I am a chameleon *

which changes a lot

its colors, its terrain *

They are never the same

I am a kitten *

I am a lion

And I am dying to let you know *

that you've never seen this kind of show

BEFORE ..*

DON'T TRUST *

EVEN YOURSELF

IS THAT A WAY TO LIVE *

TO PUT EVERYTHING ON A SHELF

BACK INTO THE CLOSET *

AND LOCKING THE DOOR

PUTTING A GUARD *

AROUND YOUR HEART

NOT BEING ALIVE *

NOT CARING

REGARDLESS WHO *

REGARDLESS WHAT

AND KEEP LIFE'S DOOR *

FOREVER SHUT

I still can have my cake *

And eat it too

I thought the matter thoroughly through *

This time I will pretend

Again *

I've always done

Why change now? *

But can I live

My tortured soul *

Nothing making me whole

To be a shadow of a ghost *

To put on a show

I really can't host?*

Why so dark my friend *

You wallow in self pity

Me *

Happiness is no guarantee

in our lives ...*

October 2015 –

it was a vision of the past *

not ever going to last

not even a moment *

in our turbulent world

so so far away *

had nothing important to say

except unimaginable lies *

adding confusion

made no contribution *

no impact

leaving nothing behind *

not even a breath

a shade to mankind *

no terrible loss

it didn't exist *

it was an invention of a dream

of nothing after all *

it was infatuation one wanted

not brutal reality *

couldn't one see

I was chasing the wrong tree?*

thunder clouds *

grey to darker than black

confusing forms of danger *

looming at the horizon

waiting to strike *

the innocent and lonely

the helpless and non*

heltered

gripping tight on what's to come *

surreal blending stripes

racing across the sky *

unexpectedly

a song arises *

a choir lamenting

sounds so strange *

yet so inviting

a sudden bolt of lightness *

growling of the heavens

a melody so striking *

empowering nature

to fight this spectacle of thunder and lightening *

a sudden hush filling the air

waiting for the next disaster *

bending down in waiting

like a bride for the groom *

and there it is

frightening close *

all the nerves on earth are shaking

will this threat ever go away? *

no no bellows odin

your are mine forever *

I am the power

I am the god *

I am your past

settle down with me *

until the morning sun will arise like a fireball

erasing the darkness *

burning off your fear

sounds of silence *

so very very near

where are you mother of light *

have you abandoned the night

and wiped away the darkness? *

I am waiting ...